Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bumped...and torn

Our surgery has been bumped...again.
I'm having a difficult time processing this.
For those who have been there, you know how this feels.
I have spent weeks preparing for the day my daughter has open heart surgery.
I have prayed.
I have begged for others to pray.
I talked to others who have had similar experiences.

Yet this, THIS, I did not prepare for.
It took so long to get to this place.
This place of peace.
Knowing that I was turning my daughter over to HIS care.
To the guidance of doctors and nurses whom I had just met.

I don't know if I can do it again.
The fear and anxiety came rushing back in the second we were told that her surgery would not be tomorrow.
I feel like I am starting all over.
How do I get there again?
How do I ask for help again?
I feel as though I have let the people down who have been there for us.
Those who have prayed for us.
Those that have driven a great distance to sit with us during the surgery.

Mostly, I feel as though I have let down my little buggie...

I am torn.
Torn between being angry that yet again we must wait to heal her...

and between the urge to pray for the baby that did have surgery today.
The baby whom at this very moment is STILL in surgery and thus causing Eslea's surgery to be moved.
I do not know the child. I do not know if it is a boy or a girl.
All I know is that there is a baby who is only 4lbs that has been in open heart surgery since eight am today. That baby, that baby needs my prayers too.

How do I handle that?
What do I feel?

I am confused.
I am mad.
I am sad.

Sometime tomorrow, we will find out just when Eslea can finally have her heart fixed.
Until then, we wait.



  1. Oh, I am so sorry for both you and that little baby in surgery. That is a huge confused mess of feelings that I don't envy you right now. I know what you mean, about being at that place where you're ready to do what you've been dreading for so long, only to have the rug pulled out from under you. But hang in there, hold on to those feelings of peace and acceptance, and know that the wait won't be too long. Take more pictures of Eslea's bare chest! LOL I do wish I had done that more before Sammi's surgery. :-)

  2. I haven't been there, so I can't say from experience. Maybe this is God's way of making sure she's old enough and strong enough to handle the surgery? Hugs!