For the most part, I love life. I love my life. But would I say that I'm a "glass is half-full kind of girl"? Most days, no. That's the truth. Honest to goodness. I actually find myself confused by those that profess to be the other kind of person. Glass is half-full and all that. It makes me wonder the true sincerity of it all. Is it that they live their life in blissful ignorance only focusing on the surface? Or is it perhaps that someone has yet to poke a hole in their magic cup that somehow always stays on that half-full line?
Now, before you start to label me as "negative" or "cynical" let's clarify that I am also not a "glass is half-empty" gal either. I truly believe that there are silver linings. That things do work out in the end. My family even tells me often that I'm an optimist...gasp!
Maybe I am. But lately I have just found some blogs I can not read anymore because if their life really is THAT great...I must be doing something wrong.
My life is blessed. I am blessed. I am damn lucky to have a beautiful bouncing one year old not only overcome her open heart surgery but come out the other end thriving.
This week I reminded that there are those of us that are not that lucky. Those that have a beautiful baby undergo heart surgery, make it through recovery and only to have that precious baby pass away weeks later from pneumonia. A baby that was the same age as Eslea when she underwent her surgery. How does a parent recover from that? Ever?
I would be so confused and guilty. I would be questioning if somehow those weeks of black thoughts that plagued my mind somehow came to light.
Was I being given what I had asked for?
How can a parent not think that?
Those of us in the T21 community undergo so many similar thoughts in the beginning soon after that initial diagnosis. Thoughts we keep buried only to remember when forced. Not because we still have them but because we are ashamed. Those thoughts are now so far from reality and so not a reflection of any current ideas....well, if they could be removed forever by taking some kind of pill or undergo some therapy...we would do it. In a heart beat.
I just want us all to remember how friggin' blessed we are today. We get to hold our beautiful designer gene babies and plant a kiss on them tonight before we put them to bed.
I want to remember tonight that it could have just as easily been Eslea. Nine months ago as she underwent her own open heart surgery...she could have been the one to not make it.
So tonight I will tell Eslea again what a blessing she is to our family.
I will hold her just one minute longer.
I will smell her sweet baby breathe for one extra heart beat.
I will rock her cradled body in my arms.
I will acknowledge how wonderful it is that her designer genes allow her stay tiny just a wee bit longer so that cradling with mama can be assured for many
Enjoy your precious ones tonight my friends like there is no tomorrow!