You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
- John Mayer (Heart of Life)
So many times the hours and days click click click by going faster and faster.
This occurs more the older I seem to get. The more wrapped up in my own life, my own problems, my own family. Choices being made. Mistakes taking place.
When we learned that Eslea had down syndrome, I remember taking that news personally. As if somehow I was being punished for my past, my choices, my mistakes. I always lived my life with no regrets. "Lessons learned" is how I would describe bad choices. Yet now, I do have a regret; something I wish so desperatly that I could block out or erase somehow. But the past sticks with you like glue my friends and the feelings I had around the birth of precious Eslea happened. And no matter how many times I try to find that darn time machine, it continues to elude me and the feelings remain what they are...a pulled thread on the fabric of my life.
I can never take it back. Although it is something I desperatly wish I could, I am instead reminded of the WHY of it all. The WHY we must all go through pain...becuase without the pain of life, we could never feel the JOY. The absolute tear jerking side splitting JOY of life.
Laughter. Friends. Smiles. Music. Poetry. Books. Blue Skies. Green Grass. Family.
This weekend, I had an opportunity to finally meet several families in our area that have beautiful kiddos with down syndrome. There were about six families gathered into one house with their amazing children. Being the kind person that I am, I opted to leave my camera at home so as not to scare them off the very first time they meet me. I will say that it is was eye opening and something I truely wish could have happened sooner.
When I first learned about the diagnosis of down syndrome, I made assumptions...she may never talk, she'll be three by the time she walks, she will always be cheery. Never in my life have I been so happy to be wrong. Each child there had her very own personality...some more then others (shout out to Polly and her wonderfully spirited Emily). I admire these women. I am honored they invited me in and that Eslea gets to grow up with their children.
Life is amazing. I wish I could take back the pain from those first weeks after her birth, yet without those feelings I would have never reached the depth of love I now feel.
I may have never felt the pull to meet these women. I would have never had a chance to meet their children. I would have never began to see the beauty in everyone.
If this is the reward for the pain, I'll take it. I'll cry and hurt just for the small chance that on the other side joy will be waiting with open arms wrapped in silver lining.
Any day. Any how.
Hear that life? Bring it.