The Stupid Things People Say

Dear People Who Say Stupid Things,

It seems lately I have been surrounded by ignorance. Please forgive me for starting that way. But in all honesty, that is the feeling. Intelligent people saying ignorant things.
If you read my most recent facebook status, you will find this:

Seriously people...why must you continue to use the word "retard"? Why aren't you telling your friends to stop using the word? It makes smart people sound ignorant. Oh and yes..you did "mean it that way" just by using the word as a negative slang you "meant it that way".

In the course of five minutes, I found several of my facebook friends either using the r-word themselves or responding in a lighthearted way to someone on their wall that used the word. Skimming over the word like it was unnoticed or unimportant. Maybe it is to them. Maybe it's not important to you.
Just know, it matters to me and it matters to Eslea.

Whenever I take the time to point out to someone that they should not use that word because it is offensive to me, to my daughter, and to thousands of others, I tend to get the same response..."I didn't mean it that way".
Sigh.
People...the context in which you used the word clearly shows that you "meant" it that way.
That computer you just called "retarded"...I can bet you that it is not "slow in development". Which by the way is the actual definition of the word.
When you post on a picture the descriptive words "looks retarded", you are implying that someone looks less then "normal". That somehow a person that is "retarded" could not ever possibly look okay in a picture.
I would also say that people need to use that word carefully. Know the exact meaning and use it in the appropriate context. Using it in regards to your teacher (or boss, or ex boy friend) who you happen to dislike, is not correct. Quite frankly, unless you sat next to me in my intellectual assessment course...I would say you most likely are not going to ever use the word correctly. So  maybe you should just not use it at all.

To take the word and shorten it to "retard" basically says that you just denied that person of being a person. That cute little girl in pigtails is no longer a cute little girl. Nope, she  is a "retard".
Oh, but you didn't use that word in reference to her directly? Well please explain to me exactly who/what are you comparing whatever you just called a "retard" to?

I understand that words only have as much power as we give them.
This word, "retard",  has power. It no longer is used in reference to "delayed development". Instead it is used to imply that something is less then "normal" and perhaps unworthy or even...unnecessary.

Why am I on this kick today? Because I've heard it used way too much lately.
Around me. Around my Eslea. By Friends. By Students. By Family Members.
I understand it is a hard habit to break. But it is a habit that must be broken.
If you are old enough to have a facebook account with updated pictures and statuses, you are old enough to make the decision to not degrade an entire population of human beings with one derogatory word.

That is it. I have said my peace.
Just be warned....I run into people all the time that give me plenty of material to use under this same title post.

Since that is now off my chest (breathing out), it's time to enjoy the weekend.
Happy Friday people!!
-erin

The Stupid Things People Say

Sometimes I wish I lived in a perfect world for Eslea. One where the r-word is never used. One where everyone can see how beautiful and special she really is. How she is just like them. Just like you. Just like me. But I don't, not yet anyway. So still I have to face the harsh words and views almost daily of those who choose to still see people who are maybe a little different as something less.
I have written before about the use of the r-word at my school. Working around teenagers you hear many things and you learn to tune them out. You also learn to develop a hard shell when it comes to the words that can flow from an impulse driven teenager. Knowing that my super mom armor springs on quickly, along with one mighty fine cape, when I am faced with a need to defend my Eslea, I was very surprised at the reaction I had to a recent incident.
It was one rainy afternoon (yes, that's how I'm starting) and I again had the awesome duty of monitoring the cafeteria. Now let me tell you, if you have not had the wonderful opportunity of "duty" in the educational system, you are missing out my friends. (cough, cough) One of my senior students approaches me to discuss his graduation plan...or lack there of. Since transferring to our school system this student has made it known that he does not intend to graduate with his class but instead desires to return for a fifth year of high school. While we were discussing this he inquires what he will have to do during his fifth year in regards to exactly where he will be taking courses. Our school has a long standing policy that if a student can not finish in four years, he/she must attend alternative school during the fifth year. This prevents us from having 19-20 year-old students in the same classes with doe-eyed 14 year-old teenagers.
After explaining the policy to this student, he started to protest that although he is nineteen,  he wants to stay on campus to study. I explained that only in rare circumstances could that happen and he must speak with the principal. Again, he probed and I explained that some students needed extra time to finish high school and were allowed to do so by the state.

This is his response....
"Oh, you mean like special ed students. I can pretend to be special ed."
He then proceeds to beat his hand on his chest while crossing his eyes and making the "dur" sound.
Yes. My armor was full on by the end of his little act. Red cloak blowing in the wind and all. I was a sight to behold, yet somehow I managed to keep my emotions and heart under control. It must have been my armor. (I did manage to mend the hole that was made from the doctor's visit.)
I just gave him a faint smile and said calmly...
"Did you know that my baby who was born this past year has down syndrome?  I can assure you that she does not act that way."
I wish you could have seen his face. For about 10 seconds he was locked somewhere between a smile and shock. It was priceless. So wish I would have had my camera.

Learning how to say and do the right things in those moments is becoming easier. I am less quick to react and more likely to try assisting the person in learning. If I would have gotten mad, he would not have listened. Instead, I'm sure that it a lesson he will remember for many years to come.

This mama is proud to use her super powers for good. I can't wait till Eslea is bigger. We are going to make one awesome super team. Fighting ignorance one person at a time.

What about you and your little super family; how is your battle going in the war against ignorance?

The weekend is here and my family is taking a much needed break. Time for some rest and relaxation. Or, maybe if I can just get a few hours of sleep squeezed in between bathroom breaks, bottle fixing and washing that darn super cape. 

I can dream anyway.

Happy Friday!
-erin

A Tiny Punch

I'm not sure how to start this post.
The story of how my mommy armor recently suffered damage. Damage that still needs some serious repair.

Maybe a little background to begin.
Eslea has not been feeling well for about a week. She has red goopy eyes and is struggling to breathe as her tiny nose stays congested. After almost a week of listening to the poor child snort and gasp, I finally decided to take her to see the doctor. Since I decided at the last minute, I had to unfortunately wait for the walk-in doctor at the pediatric clinic. I have always been grateful that Eslea's doctor is so easily accessible and even more so when I can use the clinic his practice has set up for just such occasions.
Usually, I see the same pediatrician but I knew that there was a chance I would see someone new being that I was going through the walk-in. After waiting an hour, we finally managed to get a coveted examining room and again, waited. When the doctor finally arrived it confirmed that he was someone my Eslea has yet to met.

This man was somewhat older, maybe in his mid to late sixties. I am not sure how long he has been practicing in the United States. I write this because it impacts what comes next and how I reacted.

He underwent the regular checkup routine such as listening to her heart and checking her ears.
Somewhere amongst this evaluation, he looks at me and says....
"She is so alert. She doesn't look very retarded."

I swear my heart skipped a beat. I could feel my blood start to boil.
Somehow though I managed to tell him that "Yes, she is very alert. She is a pretty smart baby."
I had hoped that comment from me would deter any further evaluations on his part.
I was wrong.
He tried again "Well, you know there are different levels of retardation. She doesn't seem to have it very much."
Again, my southern graces and upbringing are trying with all their might to hold back my natural Italian/Irish genes from telling that doctor exactly what I thought about him.
Instead, I just smiled and changed the subject back to her health.

After he and the nurse left the room, I started to cry.
I love Eslea. To me, she is the most beautiful baby I could have ever imagined. She is perfect.

Yet after reading her chart, that doctor made an assumption about my child before he even laid eyes on her.
I know I could have used that opportunity to question his beliefs or challenge him.
But really, what would it have mattered?

I know the definition of the word retarded.
I know the negative uses of the word only have as much power as we allow.
I understand he may actually have been trying to compliment my daughter.
I understand that maybe he has not been practicing in the states for long and may not understand how that word effects people.
I also understand that there was once a time when the word was very common and I myself even used it regularly in the mental health field.

None of that matters. Because when someone uses that word to describe your child who is sitting so snugly cute while smiling and cooing in your arms... it HURTS.

A tiny little punch that made a hole right into my protective mommy armor.
I need stronger armor.

-erin

The struggle at work with the word "retard"

Ever since Eslea was born, I began paying closer attention to the language that others use. Not only in reference to Eslea herself, but in regards to the world, situations, items. One of the words that has continued to irritate the depth of my soul is the word "retard". This is a word that not so long ago I myself would so easily throw off the tip of my tongue. Yet now, I find it disheartening how easily the word is tossed around where I work. I know that seems impossible that the word can be used found so freely, but it's true. Because for those that do not know, I work in a high school as a counselor.

As today, "Spread the Word to End the Word" day, edged closer I started thinking more about how that word is impacting my life and how often I hear it. Yesterday I decided to just hear for myself how often the word is used. So as I was walking to visit a teacher's classroom, I took time to listen closely to the conversations of those students around me. What I found was that in the span of just 5 minutes, I heard 3 separate conversations with students that used the word: "Man, you a retard" "That was so retarded" "She's retarded". That was three times in only five minutes, taking place in a very small span of hallway in a large high school of almost 2000 students. Three times. Five minutes.
Each time the word was used, I shuddered just a little bit. I could not help but imagine that they were directly referring to my beautiful Eslea. That whatever they were talking about they found so witless or unintelligent that they felt the need to compare it to a human being. Not just any human being, but one like my daughter. My sweet Eslea.

Now, these are good kids. If I would have approached them and asked them if they realized it was demeaning and hurtful to my daughter, they would have apologized. Because these kids know me and they have seen pictures of Eslea. They would never do anything to hurt her or I intentionally. Yet, they are oblivious to the fact that using that word is as wounding to me as if they said it about Eslea herself.

There are so many words out there that are demeaning. To them this may seem like yet another word we are adding to those that are inappropriate.  How do I address this? How do I stop it? In a school where the students throw out derogatory words as easily as week old milk, how do I get them to understand?

I had some time this morning alone while Eslea slept and I spent that time pondering those questions.
Basically it all boils down to awareness. Being aware of how our words can impact others.
And this is what I have come up with so far...

1. Our school has participated in "Mix it Up" day for the past few years. This year I can talk with the coordinator about making sure to include the Special Needs classrooms in with the lunchroom activities.

2. I can work towards having opportunities where more students can buddy with a student from the special needs classroom. Maybe in the art or PE class times.

3. Taking time to directly address one student at a time is tricky. I would not want to embarrass a student in front of friends by correcting language because this is a sure way to make a student defensive. Instead, I will make an effort to try and speak with several students privately. Of course this way only reaches one student at at time, yet as we all know, information can spread from student to student like wildfire when in the ears and mouths of high school students.

4. I am asking you, all my friends to share this information. If you are one of my work friends, take time to talk to your students about language and how stereotypes swell by the words we chose.

That's it. Those are my ideas. I would love to hear other ideas and know what you would do if you worked around such a large group of students all day. Heck, I would love to hear anything you're doing to make a change to "End the Word". If you blogged about the r-word yourself, make sure to post your blog in the comment sections so all readers can have the chance to read different viewpoints.

And with that, a video...
(scroll down to pause the music)

Thank you for taking the time to make a difference.

Buggie and all our special kiddos are grateful.

-erin