Bumped...and torn

Our surgery has been bumped...again.
I'm having a difficult time processing this.
For those who have been there, you know how this feels.
I have spent weeks preparing for the day my daughter has open heart surgery.
I have prayed.
I have begged for others to pray.
I talked to others who have had similar experiences.

Yet this, THIS, I did not prepare for.
It took so long to get to this place.
This place of peace.
Knowing that I was turning my daughter over to HIS care.
To the guidance of doctors and nurses whom I had just met.

I don't know if I can do it again.
The fear and anxiety came rushing back in the second we were told that her surgery would not be tomorrow.
I feel like I am starting all over.
How do I get there again?
How do I ask for help again?
I feel as though I have let the people down who have been there for us.
Those who have prayed for us.
Those that have driven a great distance to sit with us during the surgery.

Mostly, I feel as though I have let down my little buggie...

I am torn.
Torn between being angry that yet again we must wait to heal her...

and between the urge to pray for the baby that did have surgery today.
The baby whom at this very moment is STILL in surgery and thus causing Eslea's surgery to be moved.
I do not know the child. I do not know if it is a boy or a girl.
All I know is that there is a baby who is only 4lbs that has been in open heart surgery since eight am today. That baby, that baby needs my prayers too.

How do I handle that?
What do I feel?

I am confused.
I am mad.
I am sad.

Sometime tomorrow, we will find out just when Eslea can finally have her heart fixed.
Until then, we wait.

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One day...standing on the threshold

Our bags are packed.
My eyes burn at times with the tears that want to surface but I keep them away somehow.

I'm going to miss Emma.
At the same time, I am grateful for those that will take care of her while we are gone.

I am also thankful for the support of those that have kept my buggie in their thoughts and prayers.
Thank you.

As I stand here on the threshold of her surgery, just one day now, I reflect on the vast difference of love I feel for her as compared to the day she was born.
Her birth was so hard for me. Accepting the fact that I now have a child with special needs was a true leap of faith. It's a leap I will never regret.

I have always told people that my first child, Emma, taught me how to love. Before her, I never knew how to truly love. I never understood how great the love parents have for their children. Most importantly, she taught me how my heavenly Father loves not only me, but everyone.

Eslea taught me something so much more. Her birth opened my eyes to the different types of people in this world. Through her, I see people that I never noticed before. Through her, I see more clearly how HE sees us...

Emma taught me how to LOVE.

Eslea taught me to love EVERYONE.
EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.


Again, thank you for the continued prayers for Eslea and for our lost student...James.